I had my appt with my dr today. It went well I think. I feel like I got some answers (as many as one could get I guess) and I feel like it's a beginning of an ending of a chapter for me. The baby did measure at 8 weeks 5 days at the ultrasound I had on Tuesday (11 weeks 5 days), so the baby had stopped growing three weeks ago, although I did see a heartbeat after that, he or she was no longer growing. So the fact that I didn't feel great about the pregnancy from the beginning proved to be justified. I know in my head that there is nothing that I did wrong to make this happen, but my heart isn't completely ready to accept that. Did I drink to much caffiene, were my sugar levels to low (I suffer from lows way more than highs), was my endo doc right, am I really dumb, is it because I wasn't excited about this baby at first? Logically I know that none of this can be true and that there was probably a chromozone problem and that this was God's plan and his plans are ALWAYS better than my own, but I think it's only natural to go through this process too.
I know I've put a lot of myself out there during all of this, but that's just me... an open book. I find it somewhat theraputic to be able to journal my feelings and thoughts too.
I know that God has been preparing me for this journey for a long time. Things even long long before I was pregnant keep popping into my head, but specifically while I was pregnant there are things that I can look back at and be thankful for. I am so thankful for my faith in all of this and that I know that my baby (along with many other wonderful babies of many other wonderful women) is in Jesus' arms right now, enjoying heaven long before I will. I'm sure the lullabies there are beautiful. (taking lines from the song in the previous post here, if you haven't listened yet, I suggest you check it out, but have kleenex nearby!)
My intent here was never to complain, I know that many other people have much bigger problems, having to do with babies and any other range of things, I'm holding fast to the fact that it could be so much worse. I'm trying very hard not to complain about minor things, it's not worth the breath or the stress (not that this is comletely minor I know, but I guess I'm talking about overall, life in general)
So thank you for the thoughts and prayers and for caring for me. I have felt those prayers in the peace I have felt. I will still have bad days I'm sure, or maybe just moments, but for now (and maybe tomorow will be different) I feel as if I'm nearing the end of this chapter.
SOrry if this post is all over the place, I've kinda been jumping around adding and deleting things here and there, so if I'm confusing once again I apologize!
Enjoy your weekend! I'm thinking about going to the Taste of Holland tomorow but I'm unsure of how it works/how much it is etc, I've never been, but it sounds like fun, so if you have any info you want to share I would love that! (This is all IF the perch aren't biting, cuz I'm not taking the kids by myself...)
2 comments:
So glad that you may be seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. And for what it's worth , I don't fing you to be complaining at all.
Have a good weekend darling!
hey lynette, i just want to tell you that i have been praying for you to have peace and comfort in knowing that GOD has a plan. i read already that you are feeling that way and i'm glad for that. this will have a huge impact on your life even though some people might not think its that big of a deal. if ever you would like to talk/correspond through email i will be here. i understand if you don't want to or feel like it because i didn't want to either when i was going through my miscarriage. just know that i am praying for you anyways.
see ya,
beth maat
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