Can I be completely honest?

Seriously, life is not all rainbows and sunshine. You have to have rain to have a rainbow. I'm living in the rain right now. Life has been in a bit of a slump.

Lila is difficult. She is still up at LEAST 3 times at night. That's minimum. I am up with her every time, b/c if I ask Matt to do it it just makes the situation worse. Not that he's not willing, he's just not able.

I am a girl that likes my sleep. A LOT. I'm not a morning person (I REALLY like to stay in my bed as long as possible) and I'm not a night person either (I go to bed around 9 or 10), I like to sleep, that's what kind of person I am. So, since I haven't slept a full night in over 7 months (not to mention pregnancy when I didn't sleep either) I'm a little worn down. OK, a lot worn down.

I thought I was dealing with the whole thing quite well, but I just hit a wall. I want to cry, scream and stomp my feet more often than I want to smile and laugh. I don't always do it, but sometimes I do. I want to take naps, but Lila doesn't. Or she will when the older two get home, which means I can't.

When she is awake, she just want's me to either be RIGHT BY HER or holding her. Doesn't leave me much time to do important things, like shower, clean, wash dishes, laundry, cook dinner, you know, the things that get us by and make us presentable. I'm at a point where I probably just need to let her scream it out, but that just seems cruel.
To all of us.
I guess leaving her out front with a for sale sign would be cruel to though. Somedays I feel like it. Don't worry though, I wouldn't do it.
She might get cold.

OK, enough venting. Funny thing is, I have these posts quite often, but rarely do I hit "Publish Post". Today though, I'm going to, I can't be the only one in the blogiverse feeling this way. We all have our days. Right?

(I get to go watch an Arthur movie that I've watched a million and one times right now. Aren't I lucky? Yup, I am lucky, b/c I get to watch it with my favorite 3 year old and my favorite Lila, who are both healthy, happy children, who both have beds to sleep in and food to eat, I AM lucky)

HOT

And if you live around here you know I'm not talking about the weather. but what could I be talking about then you ask... let me tell you. And no, I'm not complaining, I'm just sayin'... The HOT FLASHES ARE OUT OF CONTROL! I sit here typing and sweating. Yup, sweating. Probably just a bit more than a glisten, not dripping or anything, but good grief! I've loved the 45 degree nights b/c it makes sleeping so much better. For me at least.

I just started reading Crazy Love and there is a section about rejoicing in EVERYTHING. I'm trying, really I am. What about Hot flashes could make me rejoice? I'm failing in that one spot.

Lila is screaming in the backseat of the car on the highway... I'm rejoicing that my daughter has healthy enough lungs to scream.
My sugar keeps going low... I'm rejoicing that technology allows me to know what my sugar is.
I'm completely exausted from my sugar going low... I'm rejoicing that I have a bed to sleep in at night.

I'm making it a game, hoping it will come naturally at some point to rejoice instead of complain. In the meantime if you see me and I'm sweating and your freezing, just know... IT'S THE HOTFLASHES. And hand me a fan! Or an ice cube. Or both.

Update: Doesn't sweating make you loose weight? This is me rejoicing, maybe the sweating from the hotflashes will make me loose weight! Maybe. I'll hold onto the hope.

Spotted... w/ Bailey's camera

Us!
Landon's artwork (and shadow)
Camping
Matt took naps with Lila by the pool while the rest of us swam in the "morning" Ummmm, is it chicken, steak or pork??? (The answer was pork)
Before going for a boat ride
Doesn't that life jacket look comfy? She screamed the entire way through the "No Wake" zone, and then once we could GO she fell right asleep!
Matt took the older kids fishing one day... E didn't do much fishing.
Oh Bailey!
Me and my baby boy! (He'll always be my baby) There was very little makeup used that weekend, obviously!

Changes

I'm sitting here at almost 10pm listening to my daughter scream. She's screaming for many different reasons. One, she is in her own bed. Two, she is tired. Three, I'm not holding her. Four, she's not in my bed. Five, I'm not holding her. Six, apparently she didn't like the burrito I had for lunch today. But then again, most of what I eat doesn't agree with her tummy.

I'm determined right now to get the girl to sleep. She will fall alseep eventually. Right? Ahhhh, why does this have to be sooooo difficult. (Yes, I'm using this for therapy right now so I don't go crazy listening to her scream, b/c I could very quickly loose it and go CRAZY).

I'm thinking that I will soon have a Medela Breast Pump for sale if you need one, or know anyone that does. My body apparently doesn't want to produce much milk anymore. Not sure what the problem is there. It does make me sad to think that I will never have that bond with a baby again. It's not for everyone, and never in a million years did I think nursing would be for me, but there is something about it when she's eating and looking in my eyes, knowing that I'm the only one that can do that for her. It has definately created a bond between me and my children. Which isn't always good. Sometimes the bond is to tight. But they all seem to have adjusted well as they age.

We leave for camping tomorow and I have yet to pack one thing for myself. I got the kids all packed today, towels are all packed and Matt is getting groceries as I type. I did get all the laundry done today! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, she's sleeping, one hour after we started, Elliot's almost asleep... maybe. It's almost time for me to go to bed! By myself. In my bed, alone! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!