May 10, 2010

Rough Day - Finally

I wasn't going to share this, but figured you have to have the bad with the good, and it's 1:45am and I'm wide awake after about 30 minutes of sleep. 

Today we had a wonderful Mother's Day celebration for me, given by Mary, but attended by many close and wonderful friends.  There was a super cool cake made by ******** (Mary will have to give me the information to fill that in so I can give proper credit because she did a great job).  It was wonderful to visit with friends and family alike, but I won't lie, it was tiring.  That is one thing that seems to happen a lot lately, I get very very tired, very very fast, I'm sure due to the fact that I had surgery a week ago, but whatever.
There were pink boxing gloves, representing fighting this cancer until I win.  Because I will win.  It will be tough, but I will win, that hasn't changed.
But then I got home. Worn down after many days festivities, I checked my email and as I always am, I was overwhelmed by kindness, messages and friend requests.  Overwhelmed in a great way.  Then I decided to change into comfy clothes... and lost it.  I think in the last few days I have lost some range of motion in my left arm.  I have to admit that after surgery I was pretty proud of myself for being able to do so much with it, I was able to put my hair in a ponytail (not a pretty one, or a tight one, but a ponytail none-the-less).  Now, I'm not.  It hurts to take my shirts off.  Prior to surgery I was told that I wouldn't be able to pull a shirt over my head, I would have to wear zip-ups, but the day I went home I had on a tank top and a sweatshirt with no problem whatsoever.  Today I also had on a tank top with a sweatshirt.  I struggled to get the tank top off.  Like really struggled, very painful.  It frustrated me and I started crying.  And cried and cried and cried and cried.  I'm not strong.  I'm weak, very weak.  I'm scared.  Scared of what I will have to endure to win this battle.  Scared that after doing a CT or PET scan they will find cancer somewhere else.  I cried harder than I have cried in a long long time.  And to be completely honest, it felt really, really good. 

So, if you read this before tomorrow afternoon, please pray hard for me while I'm at the doctor.  I don't even know how to put into words what to pray for, I just know that I will be at the doctor at 1:00pm and would appreciate prayers.  If I don't make complete sense here just refer back to the first sentence... it's 1:45am, enough said!

15 comments:

terp said...

praying for you on the good days and praying hard on the bad days. YOU WILL BEAT THIS!!!!!!!

Sarah said...

God will sustain you. Fear not!

It's okay to cry. Cry, cry, and cry some more.

I pray that you can sleep this morning between beautifying yourself and your Dr. appt. TAKE THE PHONE OFF THE HOOK!!!!

I love you and am so proud of you. You will win....we need to pray that the fight will be easier than you fear!

Sluiter Nation said...

Praying for you today Lynette. You ARE strong. And beautiful!!!

Bob & Norma Borst said...

Lynette---although Bob has a different cancer than you, we know the fears you have right now. Everyone with cancer has fears and everyone handles it differently--but everyone needs prayers and support. You seem to have both. We honestly could feel the prayers of all our friends, family, church members and complete strangers as we went through the rough times. Let them lift you up and calm you in the sleepless nights. It's OK to be scared--Jesus was scared when he died for us--and he asked for the cup to pass from Him. So we are not weak when we ask why or wonder why me. He got through it with God's help and that is what we rely on. I know you have an amazing faith, but it does get shaken in times like this. Let it shake, but also let it work it's grace on you and your family.---Just remember Dann's benediction---It gives us comfort over and over--Praying for you all--Bob and Norma Borst

Anonymous said...

praying for you often today
bouwens family

Anonymous said...

Praying, praying, praying!!!
Take care,
Kristin Miller

Mary said...

You need to let it out from time to time!!! Your strength and faith are so clear but even the strongest and most faithful need to let it out! Last night you looked so good, you are truely a beautiful woman through and through!!! Nothing can separate you from the love of God!!! He loves you and is proud of you no matter where you are emotionally! He understands and so do the people that love you! Praying without ceasing!!!!!

Love and Hugs! Mary

Amy Babinec said...

Lynette,
Remember, even when you don't feel strong you are being carried by the Lord God Almighty! It's O.K. to cry & hurt & be angry!! He's got you & He knows. We've cried for you too & prayed through the tears. Mandisa has a song called "Broken Hallelujah" that I often use as a prayer when I just don't know what to pray. He knows!! I'll be praying for you lots today!!

karen said...

Having been down this road recently, I can cry for you but, I also prayer for you.All of these Dr. appointments are scary, it is the unknown, We don't know what they are going to find , what they are going to want to do,Or what they are going to say. Just remember all the people that are praying and support you , it is what gets you through. I still appreciate the people that come up to me and tell me they are praying for me. Because it is a hard road to go down, and prayer helps make it easier.

MandaKay said...

Thinking of you and praying for you today! Your posts are really encouraging/enlightening - thank you for sharing the scriptures!

Wendie said...

We are praying hard for you over here!! We are praying for peace for you and your family and that the cancer isn't anywhere else!!! You can beat this and we all know it!! God Bless!

Neal, Rachel and Morgan said...

You don't "totally" know me however after this football season I hope to know you! I'm Coach Neal's wife! We prayed for you guys yesterday in our Sunday School class! I'm praying right now! If there is anything that Neal and I can do to help please let me know! I looked at the food list and it looks full! I'm willing to make a meal that is frozen if that would help too! Please let me know or have Matt let Neal know!

Rachel, Neal & Morgan VanderZwaag

Anonymous said...

Praying for you daily and when I wake up randomly thru out the night. I'm specifically praying for your pain to subside and for the report to be fantastic! Remember, God is able to do far more than we dare to ask or imagine. When I saw you last week (for the first time in person) I was struck by how physically pretty you are (in an intimidating sort of beautiful way!) I think you need to cry sometimes. It's sometimes the strangest little thing that can be the trigger, but afterwards comes the cleansing peace. Hugs! "Raggedy Oven Mitt Julie"

Deb Sall said...

You have been in my prayers all day Lynette. And will continue to be. May God give you the HOPE, PEACE and STRENGTH you need daily!!!

Anonymous said...

Lynette, I'm so glad you felt better after crying. That's why girls are such good fighters, right? We know when to cry! Anyway, if you ever need a good laugh . . .I'd be happy to revive that rendition of the Usher song I sang during Brooke's photo shoot. Do you remember? Just say the word and I'll drive on over (regardless of any embarrassment to my children)! Love, Sheila Nettle