I wasn't going to share this, but figured you have to have the bad with the good, and it's 1:45am and I'm wide awake after about 30 minutes of sleep.
Today we had a wonderful Mother's Day celebration for me, given by Mary, but attended by many close and wonderful friends. There was a super cool cake made by ******** (Mary will have to give me the information to fill that in so I can give proper credit because she did a great job). It was wonderful to visit with friends and family alike, but I won't lie, it was tiring. That is one thing that seems to happen a lot lately, I get very very tired, very very fast, I'm sure due to the fact that I had surgery a week ago, but whatever.
There were pink boxing gloves, representing fighting this cancer until I win. Because I will win. It will be tough, but I will win, that hasn't changed.
But then I got home. Worn down after many days festivities, I checked my email and as I always am, I was overwhelmed by kindness, messages and friend requests. Overwhelmed in a great way. Then I decided to change into comfy clothes... and lost it. I think in the last few days I have lost some range of motion in my left arm. I have to admit that after surgery I was pretty proud of myself for being able to do so much with it, I was able to put my hair in a ponytail (not a pretty one, or a tight one, but a ponytail none-the-less). Now, I'm not. It hurts to take my shirts off. Prior to surgery I was told that I wouldn't be able to pull a shirt over my head, I would have to wear zip-ups, but the day I went home I had on a tank top and a sweatshirt with no problem whatsoever. Today I also had on a tank top with a sweatshirt. I struggled to get the tank top off. Like really struggled, very painful. It frustrated me and I started crying. And cried and cried and cried and cried. I'm not strong. I'm weak, very weak. I'm scared. Scared of what I will have to endure to win this battle. Scared that after doing a CT or PET scan they will find cancer somewhere else. I cried harder than I have cried in a long long time. And to be completely honest, it felt really, really good.
So, if you read this before tomorrow afternoon, please pray hard for me while I'm at the doctor. I don't even know how to put into words what to pray for, I just know that I will be at the doctor at 1:00pm and would appreciate prayers. If I don't make complete sense here just refer back to the first sentence... it's 1:45am, enough said!