May 26, 2010

I feel like...


it's been a LONG day.  It's been a long week.  Actually, it's been a LONG month. 
I'm tired.  I am so tired that I want to scream and cry. 
Not cry because I'm sad.  Cry because I'm tired.

I'm done feeling guilty about having help with things.  If you offer to help I assume that you really want to.
I appreciate you all.  I appreciate all of  your help.  You have made my life so much easier.
I know that God has blessed me so much through you all.  I hope that at some time I can bless you as well.
For now I'm done pretending that everything is ok.  Just because I'm not sick and vomiting
doesn't mean that I'm ok.  So far, this chemo thing is like being in the first trimester
of pregnancy... except it will continue... for five months.  First trimester means nausea,
it means falling down in exaustion.  It means wanting to cry and scream and yell because I'm so tired.
Yes, the nausea passed, but the feeling of being completely to tired has not.

So, there is my honesty for the day.  You may not have asked for it, but you got it.  I'm tired.
I'm ok asking for help.  I'm ok accepting help.  Because without your help I would not have made
it this far and without your continued help I will not make it through this.  WE won't make it
through this.

I realize that many many many (or most) of you have not received thank you cards.  I promise that I appreciate EVERYTHING.  I PROMISE.  Eventually I will get to writing them, eventually I will have time and energy to do it, but for now, please know that I appreciate your thoughts, prayers, gifts, dinner, time, energy more than you could ever know or understand!


Anonymous said...

Thanks Lynette, thanks for sharing and once again putting thoughts into words so very well! I have, on more than one occasion, felt like crying (and yes, screaming too) and I did not even know why (making it all the more frustrating!). I think you nailed it-just SO tired! I am not the one with cancer, Jeff is does affect both of us. I'm sure your husband gets that! I too have said-If you offer to help I am going to assume you really mean it! It does make me feel guilty and yet I know we absolutely can not do this alone! I never feel like I/we have thanked everyone properly. So...I am saying to you-if you need anything, please let me know and I really do mean that! You do have a check at work; would you like me to bring it to you or drop it in the mail? Really, if you do need anything-please ask! It makes me feel good to be able to help others when I can instead of always being on the receiving end:) This really is like riding on a roller coaster-ups and downs but then another up so...I try and concentrate on those:) Praying today is an "up" day for you Lynette!

Anonymous said...

Dear Lynette,
I'll send extra prayers for you and your beautiful family today and tomorrow and ... I'd love to stop in and see you sometime.
Love always,
Mrs. Bosch

Robb said...

I totally understand your frustration and side effects! Even when you are down and out, you have encouraged me...the bike ride was awesome!! Just relax and throw all expectations of to the wind. We are all here to hold you up through this time. Deuteronomy 32:10 says: In a desert land He found him, in a barren and howling waste. He shielded him and cared for him; He guarded him as the apple of His eye. Prayers and thoughts for you today! Lisa Vander Zwaag

MandaKay said...

Praying for renewed strength for you today. I can't even begin to imagine what it is like, but just know that I am thinking about you and praying OFTEN!