The plan: to shave my head surrounded by friends and family on Sunday evening
The reality: Matt left me inside long enough by myself Saturday evening that I did it myself.
Not sure why, maybe it was because we had had a very busy day, family pictures, visit from an old friend, dinner with different friends, long walk, campfire.... I'm not sure what came over me, but I picked up the scissors and started cutting (laughing at myself between tears as I realized how very very BAD I looked in a mullet, I almost took pictures, but couldn't stop myself long enough). Then after the big pieces were off I got out the clippers and shaved it all off. And then I went and sat on the couch and cried and cried and cried. I feel very very ugly. It's not just about my hair either, it's the surgeries, the scars and the hair all put together into one big MESS.
Then Matt and Landon came in from the fire and found my pile of hair on the floor (which Matt cleaned up w/o a complaint) and came and laughed and cried with me. Landon is still scared that I'm going to make him shave his head as well (I'm not of course). Matt claims that as ugly as I am he still loves me.
So now I prepare myself to go out in public... which wig do I put on? What will people say? Will the wig stay in place? What are my two youngest going to think of me when they wake up? And Bailey when she returns home?
Now I look like a cancer patient. Yesterday I could hide that I was a cancer patient.
God is so good though, I know that he will make me strong and give me peace. (Psalm 29:11)
A sense of God's wholeness will come and settle me down (Phillipians 4:6-7)
God knows the number of hairs on my head, and the number not on my head, he knows how many hairs I will loose because of cancer, just that he knows that small detail brings me comfort, because that means he knows the big stuff too. (Matthew 10:30)
Lord, I put my appearance at your feet. Thank you for teaching me the meaning of true inner beauty through this journey of cancer. You desire the inner beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in your sight. Thank you for your love and patience toward me as you peel away layers of vanity and pride. I praise you for the gift of your peace that passes all understanding.
(Prayer by Laura Geist found in Praying through Canceer)