May 23, 2010

Hair one day, gone the next

The plan: to shave my head surrounded by friends and family on Sunday evening
The reality: Matt left me inside long enough by myself Saturday evening that I did it myself.

Not sure why, maybe it was because we had had a very busy day, family pictures, visit from an old friend, dinner with different friends, long walk, campfire....  I'm not sure what came over me, but I picked up the scissors and started cutting (laughing at myself between tears as I realized how very very BAD I looked in a mullet, I almost took pictures, but couldn't stop myself long enough).  Then after the big pieces were off I got out the clippers and shaved it all off.  And then I went and sat on the couch and cried and cried and cried.  I feel very very ugly.  It's not just about my hair either, it's the surgeries, the scars and the hair all put together into one big MESS. 

Then Matt and Landon came in from the fire and found my pile of hair on the floor (which Matt cleaned up w/o a complaint) and came and laughed and cried with me.  Landon is still scared that I'm going to make him shave his head as well (I'm not of course).  Matt claims that as ugly as I am he still loves me. 

So now I prepare myself to go out in public... which wig do I put on?  What will people say?  Will the wig stay in place?  What are my two youngest going to think of me when they wake up?  And Bailey when she returns home? 

Now I look like a cancer patient.  Yesterday I could hide that I was a cancer patient. 

God is so good though, I know that he will make me strong and give me peace.  (Psalm 29:11)
A sense of God's wholeness will come and settle me down (Phillipians 4:6-7)
God knows the number of hairs on my head, and the number not on my head, he knows how many hairs I will loose because of cancer, just that he knows that small detail brings me comfort, because that means he knows the big stuff too.  (Matthew 10:30)

Lord, I put my appearance at your feet.  Thank you for teaching me the meaning of true inner beauty through this journey of cancer.  You desire the inner beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in your sight.  Thank you for your love and patience toward me as you peel away layers of vanity and pride.  I praise you for the gift of your peace that passes all understanding. 
(Prayer by Laura Geist found in Praying through Canceer)


Deb said...

Oh Lynette you are an amazing woman whose faith inspires me. Don't worry about the kids, they love you no matter what. I say bring on the wigs, bright colored scarves and hats! Cancer can NOT beat you!


Anonymous said...

Oh Lynette, how very strong you must be to have done that! We must control what we can-and that you could control-I get that! You are a beautiful person with or without your hair:) I understand what you say about yesterday not "looking" like a cancer patient. Most days Jeff looks and acts pretty "normal" so often people can just forget and think all is great! However, they don't know about the pain he hides (pretty well) , the thoughts you can't stop from running through your head, the many many questions that are always just under the surface-will one of the kids or his brother be a good donor match? where we will live when we live in Ann Arbor? How will we survive a year off from work? Notice, we are not worried about the fact that there will be a donor match or that all will go exactly as it should! We/I worry about the much more minor details-go figure! Anyway-just wanted to say that I think you are incredibly strong and brave and I know during those times when you are crying it doesn't feel that way but-I've decided that sometimes you just need to cry and not fight it and then I feel that I can come back stronger and even more determined-tears seem to have a healing quality:) BTW, Your pics looked great! I am thinking that maybe the person who took them is a really good friend of one of my really good friends...does she have a little boy, maybe between 1 and 2 years old? Thinking of you and hoping you can get out and enjoy this beautiful weekend!

Sluiter Nation said...

I have no words except to tell you that you ARE beautiful. And strong. And you have inspired me, as soon as my hair meets the length requirements, it's going to be cut for locks of love in your honor. Praying for you!

Denise said...

You are beautiful.

Mary said...

Today I have no words and cannot even imagine the emotions you continually experience! I will just send my love, hugs and prayers for all of you! May you have blessings in your day as you and your faith continue to bless me!

Love, Mary

Ryan and Lydia said...

You looked beautiful when I saw you today...didn't even know you had a wig on!

Amy Babinec said...

I've been a little out of touch this weekend (possible pinched nerve in my neck?) but was praying for you on so many occassions (day, middle of the night, wee early monring hours) and then I read this just tonight (sunday). It made me laugh & cry at the same time. You are an amazing, strong, beautiful woman!! & you have amazing, strong, beautiful kids & hubby!! Lean on all those arms God is surrounding you with & keep fighting! We'll keep praying!!

sarahbrummel said...

Lynette you looked beautiful in church today!!! I wouldn't have noticed that wasn't your hair. The wig is very cool :) You are a very strong woman--I don't know if I would of been able to do what you did by myself. Praying for you and your family all the time. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.