October 16, 2014

I Surrender All

I know, it's been a year and a half since I've posted, I could try to catch you all up on life here at the Bell's, but then that would take forever, and I would have to do it all over again in another year and a half when I post again!  :)  So, long story short, life hasn't changed much except that we've all gotten older.  Lila is in Kindergarten, Elliot in 2nd, Bailey in 8th and Landon in 11th.  That last one stresses me out a little lot.  That means college is not far off.  Eeek!

Anyway, why post to a blog after one and a half years?  I don't know.  I really don't.  Honestly, I was cleaning my desk area (which is currently sprawled over the entire front living room of our house) and I though I should post.

Yesterday was a ROUGH day for me, to put it mildly.  And, without giving out to many details I will say that my character, ethics, love of my family (extended), and my faith were all questioned over something that (didn't) happen years ago.

When a person tears you apart like that, even when you know better, it hurts.  A lot.

And then it makes you cry.

Even though you haven't really cried in years.

Ugly cry.

Cry so hard your abs hurt the next day.

Yeah, so that might have been me.  Not proud of all of that, yet not really ashamed either.

And then my mind replayed the whole thing over and over and over.  And I was trying to figure out why.  And then I put some of it together.  Stay with me here, there are a lot of pieces that go together on this one.

All of the questions surround the death of a special person in my life.  This person passed away quite a while ago.

I believe that when I die, I will go to heaven, I also believe that the people close to me that have currently passed have been believers in Jesus and will also be in heaven waiting with open arms.  I have hope that I will indeed see them again.  They didn't just die and go into the ground, the end.  I realized that this belief makes death a little easier for me.  I definitely don't like when someone dies, I cry and mourn, but I am a little happy for them, seriously, they are in HEAVEN.  I can't even imagine how amazing that is.  Earthly life is a little (or a lot) harder without them, but each day is a day closer to being reunited for eternity.  SERIOUSLY!!!!  :-)

I realized during circumstances yesterday that this other person is not a believer.  So for this person, life just ends.  They bury their loved ones in the ground and that's it.  Then they go back to their life.  How sad.  (Please understand that I'm not condemning anyone that doesn't believe, of course I want EVERYONE to believe in Jesus and go to heaven for eternity, but I don't like you any less if you don't).

Not having that hope of eternity is part of what caused the issues I experienced yesterday.  Material things are all that matter to this person.  Because that is all they have left of a deceased person.  That is all they have to hold on to.

Do I have things that make me remember those I love?  Sure thing.

If my house burned down and I lost all of those things would I be sad?  Sure thing.

Would my life go on without bitterness and anger?  Sure thing.

I REALLY let this person get to me yesterday, like I said, UGLY cry, but I slept good last night.  Really good.  And I woke up this morning singing (sorry if that thought makes you cry)!  Singing "I surrender all".  I haven't heard this song in a long time.  Pretty sure someone special (Jesus) placed that song in my head, just when I needed it!  The words of the songs are EXACTLY what I needed:

Just a few of the lines (I didn't know the whole song until I looked it up) that directly correspond to yesterdays events:
I will ever love and trust Him, In His presence daily live
Worldly pleasures all forsaken
Fill me with thy love and power

So, all those pieces I talked about in the beginning, I'm realizing as I type that I can't even put it all into words, so that is all you get!

Thanks to all of my friends and family that listened to me cry yesterday and encouraged me.  Thanks for the advice and verses that lifted me up throughout the day!  Thanks to God for the encouragement just when He knew I needed it, whether it be through song or friends or any other number of ways!  Thanks for letting me be real!

I can't be upset over things which I have no control, and so I'm letting this go!

And, just to update quickly, in case you made it to the end, here is a picture of my crew!

And, no, my son does not chew tobacco, he does however chew gum and I instructed him to make sure I didn't see it while I was taking pictures.  Clearly he thought hiding it in his lip was sufficient!  And, the girl on the left, yes, despite looking completely different from the others, she does indeed belong to us.

1 comment:

Kate Stouten said...

Glad that you are feeling better about that situation. Love that crew of yours! And you and Matt! Can't wait for pumpkins next week!