Happy Fathers day to all of the wonderful fathers in my life. My father, my father-in-law, my kids father. All amazing men! Thank you. I'm especially thankful for my husband. Wow. He has been absolutely amazing these past few weeks. He has worked full time (and then some), he has been an amazing dad, nurse, house cleaner, cook, driver, laundry washer, furniture mover... this man has doen it all! And for that I am so greatful. Never do I doubt that he loves us, never do I doubt his committment to his family. So greatful for him!
Healing is going great! I seriously thought that it would be much roughter than this. But, like I said last time, that doesn't make it easy either.
Most all activity is limited.
I've spent a LOT of time on the couch, in bed or in my chair outside. When I do to much walking, I know it. Yesterday we went to a baseball game for Landon (in the scorching heat), the field was much further from the car than I was used to but I walked back and forth twice. I can tell today.
I'm still not taking pain pills until night time, but that may be because I want to convince my husband that I am capable of driving too! :) Where I am planning on going I don't know, but I know that I need to get out of this house!!!!
I have a LOT of bruising. There are bruises lining my scar and there is a LARGE one in the middle of my stomach. It hurts.
Many people have asked me if I'm happier with the results this time. YES! I am SOOOO much happier. My chest looks 100x better, but honestly, I'm thrilled with my tight stomach. It's no secret that I had a tummy. My muscles just weren't what they were suppposed to be, my skin was stretched, it wasn't pretty. But now, it's all better again! LOVE it! I recently had a birthday and received lot's of gift cards for shopping and I can't wait! (first I need to be able to walk though...)
Landon is back from a great week at camp! He's spent lot's of time with his family this weekend and I'm sure he can't wait to get back to hanging out with friends every day!
Bailey has been gone ALL weekend. She got to spend Friday night and all day Saturday with her friend Sadie and then went to Michigan's Adventure today with the neighbor. She will be TIRED!
Elliot get's to start both swimming lessons and VBS tomorrow. He is not excited about either one. Or maybe it's that he's tired and just needs some sleep! I don't get to help with VBS this year for obvious reasons. I will miss helping out. I've been helping for... ever. But, it will be nice to have time with Lila as well. Maybe.
June 19, 2011
June 13, 2011
One week post TRAM Flap surgery
One week ago I was cut open on the operating table. What a change in a week. Seriously. Going into the surgery I was really worried that I was going to be immobile for a while. I had heard rough things about recovery from this surgery, but I was prepared for it. I had heard of a lot of pain. But I was prepared to be asking for lot's of pain meds. No problem.
It has not been all sunshine and lollipops. There is and was definitely pain involved, but nothing like I expected. For a variety of reasons I have gone from taking 2 dilauded pills every 4 hours to taking 1 vicodin every once in a while. I'm not letting myself feel a lot of pain or being stubborn about taking them, because one thing I've learned is that pain pills serve a very good purpose. On the other hand, I do not like taking them because they make me SO tired. So out of it. So anyway, pain pills aren't a bad thing, I just don't need them as often as I thought I would.
I've still got four drainsattractively draped from different angles of my body. I still have to empty them a few times a day. But, on the bright side, I am able to shower and wash my hair this time.
I can not stand up straight yet, my skin is just still to tight. Nor can I lay flat. The couch has been my home!
I'm tired. My body is working really hard to heal itself right now, it's not leaving me much energy to do anything else. So, as much as I want to get out of this house, it's just not going to happen.
I can't lift up my dear Lila, but on the flip side of that, we are able to snuggle on the couch and watch The duck song on YouTube or read Brown bear!
And, she's still as spunky as ever, finding a way to get exactly what she wants.
And... I really am kind of excited about this Tummy Tuck I got! It was an added bonus, and I'll take it! Now, to keep a flat stomach! :)
Thank you for all of your prayers and support, we've felt all the love!
It has not been all sunshine and lollipops. There is and was definitely pain involved, but nothing like I expected. For a variety of reasons I have gone from taking 2 dilauded pills every 4 hours to taking 1 vicodin every once in a while. I'm not letting myself feel a lot of pain or being stubborn about taking them, because one thing I've learned is that pain pills serve a very good purpose. On the other hand, I do not like taking them because they make me SO tired. So out of it. So anyway, pain pills aren't a bad thing, I just don't need them as often as I thought I would.
I've still got four drains
I can not stand up straight yet, my skin is just still to tight. Nor can I lay flat. The couch has been my home!
I'm tired. My body is working really hard to heal itself right now, it's not leaving me much energy to do anything else. So, as much as I want to get out of this house, it's just not going to happen.
I can't lift up my dear Lila, but on the flip side of that, we are able to snuggle on the couch and watch The duck song on YouTube or read Brown bear!
And, she's still as spunky as ever, finding a way to get exactly what she wants.
And... I really am kind of excited about this Tummy Tuck I got! It was an added bonus, and I'll take it! Now, to keep a flat stomach! :)
Thank you for all of your prayers and support, we've felt all the love!
June 11, 2011
6 days post-op
Feeling pretty good. Honestly this isn't as bad as I expected so far. But who knows. Thank you for all of your prayers, help and notes of encouragement. Its all been so appreciated.
Kristi is now celebrating in Jesus' arms. Her positive spirit and warm smile will be dearly missed here, but she is so blessed to ne made perfect again.
Lindy has received some discouraging news this week.
Please keep them and their families in your prayers!
Thank you!
Kristi is now celebrating in Jesus' arms. Her positive spirit and warm smile will be dearly missed here, but she is so blessed to ne made perfect again.
Lindy has received some discouraging news this week.
Please keep them and their families in your prayers!
Thank you!
June 5, 2011
2 1/2 more days
Yikes. School is done. That means that:
a) I have an 8th grader and a 5th grader, and a "young-fiver"! (oh, and a 2 year old)
b) have very little to consume my mind until Monday
c) oops, I lied, there is plenty going on to keep me distracted
d) the kids are home... all the time. blogger!! MMMOKMMMMMA
QQLQLQLLLP
The last day of school is pretty uneventful at our house. Landon is gone fishing with Matt, while Bailey, Elliot and Lila anxiously await the arrival of thier friends! Hudson is hanging out with us today as well! I feel like I should be doing something fun and exciting to make up for the next few weeks, but...
So, surgery is scheduled for 7:30, arrival time of 6am. Please pray. Pray that it starts on time, for the doctor as he prepares for the surgery, for me as I prepare for the surgery, for Matt and my kids and for a quick and easy recovery.
(Obviously, this was not finished on the day I started it, as there is now about 18 hours until surgery, just typing that gave me a funny feeling in my stomach)
I feel an urgency to get a lot of stuff done. Like cleaning out and purging bathroom cupboards, moving Lila into a big bed which happens to be the bottom of elliot's bunk bed, therefore moving her room into his room, so they share a room now, cleaning my closet and bedroom... unfortunately this all means that things like mopping the floor are being put off, but those are things that someone else (aka my husband or kids) can do!
OK, now it's 10 hours until my surgery and I"m still trying to type this stupid post, so, I'm publishing, not everything is one here, but it will have to do, until next time!almamm1.wt
June 4, 2011
I need this right now...
Feeling a bit anxious tonight as 6am monday morning draws closer and closer. I've found plenty of things to keep me really busy up until now... Now I try to sleep, and even ambien is not helping. I've got a few things to do tomorrow, but fully anticipate this getting harder. For now, one of my favorite verses...
Philippians 4:6-7 NIV
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
May 26, 2011
What has kept us busy...
Our Bird friends are growing! While I'm not a huge fan of birds, they are awful cute to watch. (Sorry for the blurry pictures, I don't dare get to close for fear of getting attacked)
I'm pretty sure they will be leaving the nest soon, they are getting very crowded in there!
Dressing up like Spiderman-AllBoy is always a hit. Check out those webbed hands! (Oh, and don't forget the snow boots with plaid shorts, did you know that's a new trend??)
This little boy get's to spend a few days a week with us and we love it! Lila is really really in love, often throwing a fit when his dad get's here to pick him up.
Bailey signed up for Girls on the Run this year for the first time. I highly recommend the program, and I think
Bailey would as well. She worked so hard all season and ran (run/walk) her first 5k. She did awsome, I'm so proud of her and the 1,999 other girls that ran that day!
Proud supporters of thier sisters!
Coming in to finish. (Bailey is the second one on the left)
Some of the girls from her "team"!
All this rain has made for lot's of snuggle time!
It's torture I tell you!
May 24, 2011
Surgery Planning
I'm trying to get everything in order for my life and family after I have surgery, blah, I definitely don't miss this part of last years medical stuff!
Anyway, please feel free, but DO NOT feel obligated (ANYONE) to sign up for meals. With the kids being home, I did include some lunches on there as well, sandwiches, macaroni & cheese, whatever, sometime lunch is the hardest meal of the day to get together in reality (especially with Matt working throughout as well)! Feel free to email me with information regarding dropping a meal off, or email matt (probably the better choice if it's after June 5) matt (at) distinctivegroupinc (dot) com (substitute an @ sign and a . in the appropriate places).
http://www.signupgenius.com/go/meals846
And, as ALWAYS, THANK YOU so much. We are overwhelmed with the support that we continue to receive! You are all AMAZING!
I am going to TRY to get Matt to update facebook during surgery, but no guarantees on that (he has a hard time typing on my phone, and he just doesn't like facebook). If he won't do it, I will try to do it as soon as I'm able, who knows when that will be though!
Anyway, please feel free, but DO NOT feel obligated (ANYONE) to sign up for meals. With the kids being home, I did include some lunches on there as well, sandwiches, macaroni & cheese, whatever, sometime lunch is the hardest meal of the day to get together in reality (especially with Matt working throughout as well)! Feel free to email me with information regarding dropping a meal off, or email matt (probably the better choice if it's after June 5) matt (at) distinctivegroupinc (dot) com (substitute an @ sign and a . in the appropriate places).
http://www.signupgenius.com/go/meals846
And, as ALWAYS, THANK YOU so much. We are overwhelmed with the support that we continue to receive! You are all AMAZING!
I am going to TRY to get Matt to update facebook during surgery, but no guarantees on that (he has a hard time typing on my phone, and he just doesn't like facebook). If he won't do it, I will try to do it as soon as I'm able, who knows when that will be though!
May 19, 2011
Surgery Update
Yesterday I met with the plast surgeon to go over some questions I had regarding the surgery. Matt and I discussed what we heard, we discussed recovery, I prayed about it and we are going through with it.
I know that some of you were concerned whether this was the right thing to do or not, I want you to know that I appreciate your concern (really, I do), but I truly feel peace about this decision.
Some of you expressed concern about the doctor. Let me reassure you that the problems I am having now are not his fault. When having the mastectomy and reconstruction, it was thought that I wouldn't have to have radiation. But, as we all know, that all changed. Typically he doe not do implant reconstruction on a person who has radiation for a variety of reasons, but for me it was to late, we had already gone this route.
In the next few weeks (week really) I will post some specific needs, if you want to volunteer to help, that's fabulous and will be very appreciated, but we absolutely do not expect anyone to help either.
As of this moment, surgery is going to happen on June 6 (the first week the kids are home from school) at around 7:30 am (that's going to be an early arrival time... whew). I will be in the hospital for 3-5 days (which could prove to be our biggest obstacle). I will be able to drive again after about 2 weeks, (if you know me well, you know I'm not really good at this one, I like to sneak away)! Despite the fact that I will have 3+ drains (if you know me well, you know this was the WORST part of the last two surgeries for me) I will be able to shower (which makes having drains about 50% better)! I will be on some strong pain pills along with a pain pump for about 5 days. I think overall, in my head it was going to be much worse than what he has told me it's going to be, but only time will tell!
Right now I do have one need that doesn't need to be scheduled, but can be done at anytime... prayers.
Along with prayers for this surgery and recovery to go smoothly, I would also covet your prayers for my friend Kristi and her family. Also for another friend and her husband who are dealing with cancer and surgery.
I hate cancer!
I know that some of you were concerned whether this was the right thing to do or not, I want you to know that I appreciate your concern (really, I do), but I truly feel peace about this decision.
Some of you expressed concern about the doctor. Let me reassure you that the problems I am having now are not his fault. When having the mastectomy and reconstruction, it was thought that I wouldn't have to have radiation. But, as we all know, that all changed. Typically he doe not do implant reconstruction on a person who has radiation for a variety of reasons, but for me it was to late, we had already gone this route.
In the next few weeks (week really) I will post some specific needs, if you want to volunteer to help, that's fabulous and will be very appreciated, but we absolutely do not expect anyone to help either.
As of this moment, surgery is going to happen on June 6 (the first week the kids are home from school) at around 7:30 am (that's going to be an early arrival time... whew). I will be in the hospital for 3-5 days (which could prove to be our biggest obstacle). I will be able to drive again after about 2 weeks, (if you know me well, you know I'm not really good at this one, I like to sneak away)! Despite the fact that I will have 3+ drains (if you know me well, you know this was the WORST part of the last two surgeries for me) I will be able to shower (which makes having drains about 50% better)! I will be on some strong pain pills along with a pain pump for about 5 days. I think overall, in my head it was going to be much worse than what he has told me it's going to be, but only time will tell!
Right now I do have one need that doesn't need to be scheduled, but can be done at anytime... prayers.
Along with prayers for this surgery and recovery to go smoothly, I would also covet your prayers for my friend Kristi and her family. Also for another friend and her husband who are dealing with cancer and surgery.
I hate cancer!
Bluebird Cancer Retreats :: Part 2
Saturday morning we were up bright and early - breakfast @ 7:30am.
After breakfast there were 2 speakers, both talked about healing with the whole body. We did some different breathing excercises and really just relaxed. I didn't agree with everything everyone said, but was always able to take something away. Simple things really, but at the time, things I needed to hear. God knew.
After lunch, in true camp form, we had arts and crafts. We got to build and paint a bluebird house! My house is currently hanging on a tree in my backyard and if a bird never moves in that's ok, it's a bright pop of color in my backyard.
After lunch it was elective time. We had signed up for different treatments that were scheduled throughout the afternoon. I signed up for relexology and a massage. It would be my first time trying either one of them.
The massage felt great. Why did I wait this long to try it?
The reflexology was interesting. I really knew nothing about it going in. So ignorant in fact that I was caught off guard when this lady wanted to see my feet. My feet aren't exactly my best asset. I'm definitely a skeptic, so I don't know how that affected what she did, but the one thing I did notice was after I told her that I carry a lot of stress in my jaw, she massaged the top of my big toe, just under the nail and I think it really did loosen up!
It was great to be able to try things I would have otherwise not done, and I definitely have plans for future massages!
Later that night we had a campfire. We were lucky enough to have a very talented guitar and sax player among us. My new friend C was blessed with an amazing voice, so we listened to music for a while. One song we sang that was reminiscent of my days at Camp Concordia was "It only takes a spark" and C sang an amazing song "Love in every language" (just finding out now that it's by Sandi Patt, something else reminiscent of my childhood). Then we talked. About everything and nothing, all at the same time.
I don't really like campfires because of the smell and how it saturates everything, but this was a perfect fire, the wind was blowing just strong enought to blow all the smoke away and I didn't smell at all at the end of the night! (Thanks God)!
Sunday morning after breakfast we did some morning reflections and closing circle. We were also visited by "Sister Sue" who was quite funny!
It was an amazing weekend. I was refreshed, brought bacvk to a more peaceful place that I hadn't been in a while. Thank you Bluebird Cancer Retreats, thank you Bluebird staff, volunteers, all my new friends, the nurse at Cancer & Hematology who sent me and most of all, Thanks be to God!
After breakfast there were 2 speakers, both talked about healing with the whole body. We did some different breathing excercises and really just relaxed. I didn't agree with everything everyone said, but was always able to take something away. Simple things really, but at the time, things I needed to hear. God knew.
After lunch, in true camp form, we had arts and crafts. We got to build and paint a bluebird house! My house is currently hanging on a tree in my backyard and if a bird never moves in that's ok, it's a bright pop of color in my backyard.
After lunch it was elective time. We had signed up for different treatments that were scheduled throughout the afternoon. I signed up for relexology and a massage. It would be my first time trying either one of them.
The massage felt great. Why did I wait this long to try it?
The reflexology was interesting. I really knew nothing about it going in. So ignorant in fact that I was caught off guard when this lady wanted to see my feet. My feet aren't exactly my best asset. I'm definitely a skeptic, so I don't know how that affected what she did, but the one thing I did notice was after I told her that I carry a lot of stress in my jaw, she massaged the top of my big toe, just under the nail and I think it really did loosen up!
It was great to be able to try things I would have otherwise not done, and I definitely have plans for future massages!
Later that night we had a campfire. We were lucky enough to have a very talented guitar and sax player among us. My new friend C was blessed with an amazing voice, so we listened to music for a while. One song we sang that was reminiscent of my days at Camp Concordia was "It only takes a spark" and C sang an amazing song "Love in every language" (just finding out now that it's by Sandi Patt, something else reminiscent of my childhood). Then we talked. About everything and nothing, all at the same time.
May 8, 2011
Happy Mothers Day
Wow, what a difference a year makes. It's been over a year since I've been diagnosed, but I clearly remember this day last year, Mary had bought a rather large "Fight Like a Girl" cake from Second Floor Bakery, Mary and my dad gave me some pink boxing gloves and they had some people over to thier house to enjoy the cake together and celebrate.
Lot's of things have changed. My hair is about 10 inches shorter. My chest is completely lopsided (opposed to being non-existent last year), more on that later in this post. I've gone through many ups and downs. But, that's life, not just my life. In fact, I know that many people's up are much higher than mine, and many lows much lower. I've heard the word cancer more times than I ever wanted to in the last year. And they weren't referring to myself. I feel like every time I turn around someone else has cancer or knows someone who does. It sucks. It makes my heart ache. What is going on????? I really thought that having cancer and seeing how others helped us would make me so much better at helping others. Well, that's not the case. I still don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I feel helpless. That sucks too.
So anyway, that tangent is over. Chest lopsided. Well... reconstruction was miserable for me. I know many people who are up walking around and doing things the next day. Not me. I was down for a good week. And, guess what. The results... well, they suck. (I know that doesn't sound nice, but it sounds much nicer than other things I could say...) Anyway... because of the originally unplanned radiation on the left side, the results are not optimal (to say the least). It's to the point where I can't hide it, even though I know it's more obvious to me than the rest of the world, even my doctors have said it's not good. So, what do you do to fix that? You have surgery again of course. Do you go in to lift one up and still have less than perfect results? or do you go the much more invasive route of having a tram flap done? One hour surgery or 8? One week recovery or 8 weeks? Long term good results or temporary questionable ones? Arghhhh. This isn't easy. Right now I'm leaning toward the TRAM flap. In fact, pending insurance approval, it's scheduled. For June 6. So, I'm requesting prayers for clear direction on this. And, if I go through with it, the support we would need to get through the recovery.
Happy Mothers Day to all the wonderful mom's I know!
Lot's of things have changed. My hair is about 10 inches shorter. My chest is completely lopsided (opposed to being non-existent last year), more on that later in this post. I've gone through many ups and downs. But, that's life, not just my life. In fact, I know that many people's up are much higher than mine, and many lows much lower. I've heard the word cancer more times than I ever wanted to in the last year. And they weren't referring to myself. I feel like every time I turn around someone else has cancer or knows someone who does. It sucks. It makes my heart ache. What is going on????? I really thought that having cancer and seeing how others helped us would make me so much better at helping others. Well, that's not the case. I still don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I feel helpless. That sucks too.
So anyway, that tangent is over. Chest lopsided. Well... reconstruction was miserable for me. I know many people who are up walking around and doing things the next day. Not me. I was down for a good week. And, guess what. The results... well, they suck. (I know that doesn't sound nice, but it sounds much nicer than other things I could say...) Anyway... because of the originally unplanned radiation on the left side, the results are not optimal (to say the least). It's to the point where I can't hide it, even though I know it's more obvious to me than the rest of the world, even my doctors have said it's not good. So, what do you do to fix that? You have surgery again of course. Do you go in to lift one up and still have less than perfect results? or do you go the much more invasive route of having a tram flap done? One hour surgery or 8? One week recovery or 8 weeks? Long term good results or temporary questionable ones? Arghhhh. This isn't easy. Right now I'm leaning toward the TRAM flap. In fact, pending insurance approval, it's scheduled. For June 6. So, I'm requesting prayers for clear direction on this. And, if I go through with it, the support we would need to get through the recovery.
Happy Mothers Day to all the wonderful mom's I know!
(One of the roses that my wonderful husband gave me for our 12 year anniversary on May 1)
May 4, 2011
The Will of God (author unknown)
The Will of God will never take you
Where the Grace of God cannot keep you,
Where the Arms of God cannot support you,
Where the riches of God cannot supply your needs
Where the power of God cannot endow you.
The Will of God will never take you,
Where the spirit of God cannot work through you
Where the Wisdom of God cannot teach you
Where the Army of God cannot protect you
Where the hands of God cannot mold you.
Teh will of God will never take you
Where the Love of God cannot enfold you,
Where the MErcies of God cannot sustain you
Where teh peace of God cannot calm your fears
Where the authority of God cannot overrule for you
The will of God will never take you
Where the Comfor tof God cannot dry your tears,
Where the word of God cannot feed you,
Where the MIracles of God cannot be done for you,
Where the Omnipresence of God cannot find you.
Where the Grace of God cannot keep you,
Where the Arms of God cannot support you,
Where the riches of God cannot supply your needs
Where the power of God cannot endow you.
The Will of God will never take you,
Where the spirit of God cannot work through you
Where the Wisdom of God cannot teach you
Where the Army of God cannot protect you
Where the hands of God cannot mold you.
Teh will of God will never take you
Where the Love of God cannot enfold you,
Where the MErcies of God cannot sustain you
Where teh peace of God cannot calm your fears
Where the authority of God cannot overrule for you
The will of God will never take you
Where the Comfor tof God cannot dry your tears,
Where the word of God cannot feed you,
Where the MIracles of God cannot be done for you,
Where the Omnipresence of God cannot find you.
May 3, 2011
Bluebird :: Part 1
Lately, I have been very anxious. I've ahd a few anxiety attacks. Life has just felt very difficult.
I think there are a few reasons for these feelings. One was that on a very very subconcious level the one year mark scared me. (did I mention that this was on a ver subconcious level?) Another reason was the recent MRI's and the difficulty getting straight forward answers. Ultimately everything is fine in regards to that as well, which I 90% knew all along, but there is always that little doubt that creeps in and consumes.
Fast forward a little to the Monday before my last herceptin treatment. I got an email from one of the nurses at Cancer & Hematology. She was telling me about this Bluebird Cancer Retreat. I had seen the brochures at the office, but always kind of looked past them, dismissing them as something that wasn't my style. But after looking at the Bluebird website a bit and seeing all they do, including pampering, I decided I was in (did I mention I only had about 10 days notice, and it happened to work and my husband was immediately on board with the idea?).
With anxiety in my chest I called and signed up. I knew that the timing of this was no coincidence. I needed to get away in a really bad way and better yet, God knew it, and provided a way for it to happen.
I had a lot of anxiety about going by myself. I was telling a friend about this anxiety and she said soemthing that made me think. She said "I'll pray you meet someone in the parking lot". I hadn't even thought of that. I'm so quick to pray for the big picture, that was a detail I hadn't thought to pray so specifically for.
On the way to Camp Geneva I felt completely sick. I almost said forget it and turned around. Despite the anxiety that I was carrying (that felt like a large brick on my chest), I continued on. I pulled into the parking lot feeling teh brick getting heavier by the second. I jumped out of the truck (literally jumped, it was Matt's truck) and saw a women wearing a blue sparkly hat, giving me the hint that I was in the right place! I then turned to see another 'camper' walking up as well, she had a great, welcoming smile. We were both welcomed with a hug by the director and told to go inside.
Once inside we were introduced to each other. While I didn't learn her name until we were inside (for privacy purposes, we'll call her C), I know that God was faithful in answering that prayer about finding a friend in the parking lot.
At the same time I was introduced to my roomate (who for privacy purposes, we'll call A). This is another area where I've had a lot of anxiety. Sleep doesn't come easy for me (if your a longtime reader you know this already), so I take Ambien which puts me into a very deep sleep. Sometimes I snore. Sometimes I talk, many times I don't remember things frmot eh time I take the pill until I fall asleep. So anyway, this all had me a bit anxious and nervous.
Turns out A and I got along great, we both have 4 year old sons (her only), we are both Christians, we are almost the same age and one of the best parts, wass we both took Ambien to sleep. God is SO good! (oh yeah, did I mention we both had cancer or was that kind of assumed since we were at a cancer retreat and all?)
On Friday we introduced ourselves, told what kind fo cancer we had, did some yoga (a first for me), ate dinner, did some more discussion time, had dessert and went to bed. I was SO tired, but so ready for another day, God had already shown me multiple times in just these short first hours that this was where I was meant to be at this time.
This is only part 1 or my weekend. I plan to tell you so much more about what a wonderful time I had here. If you have had (ever) cancer or know someone who would benefit from this, please check out the website! There are three more retreats this year I believe!
I think there are a few reasons for these feelings. One was that on a very very subconcious level the one year mark scared me. (did I mention that this was on a ver subconcious level?) Another reason was the recent MRI's and the difficulty getting straight forward answers. Ultimately everything is fine in regards to that as well, which I 90% knew all along, but there is always that little doubt that creeps in and consumes.
Fast forward a little to the Monday before my last herceptin treatment. I got an email from one of the nurses at Cancer & Hematology. She was telling me about this Bluebird Cancer Retreat. I had seen the brochures at the office, but always kind of looked past them, dismissing them as something that wasn't my style. But after looking at the Bluebird website a bit and seeing all they do, including pampering, I decided I was in (did I mention I only had about 10 days notice, and it happened to work and my husband was immediately on board with the idea?).
With anxiety in my chest I called and signed up. I knew that the timing of this was no coincidence. I needed to get away in a really bad way and better yet, God knew it, and provided a way for it to happen.
I had a lot of anxiety about going by myself. I was telling a friend about this anxiety and she said soemthing that made me think. She said "I'll pray you meet someone in the parking lot". I hadn't even thought of that. I'm so quick to pray for the big picture, that was a detail I hadn't thought to pray so specifically for.
On the way to Camp Geneva I felt completely sick. I almost said forget it and turned around. Despite the anxiety that I was carrying (that felt like a large brick on my chest), I continued on. I pulled into the parking lot feeling teh brick getting heavier by the second. I jumped out of the truck (literally jumped, it was Matt's truck) and saw a women wearing a blue sparkly hat, giving me the hint that I was in the right place! I then turned to see another 'camper' walking up as well, she had a great, welcoming smile. We were both welcomed with a hug by the director and told to go inside.
Once inside we were introduced to each other. While I didn't learn her name until we were inside (for privacy purposes, we'll call her C), I know that God was faithful in answering that prayer about finding a friend in the parking lot.
At the same time I was introduced to my roomate (who for privacy purposes, we'll call A). This is another area where I've had a lot of anxiety. Sleep doesn't come easy for me (if your a longtime reader you know this already), so I take Ambien which puts me into a very deep sleep. Sometimes I snore. Sometimes I talk, many times I don't remember things frmot eh time I take the pill until I fall asleep. So anyway, this all had me a bit anxious and nervous.
Turns out A and I got along great, we both have 4 year old sons (her only), we are both Christians, we are almost the same age and one of the best parts, wass we both took Ambien to sleep. God is SO good! (oh yeah, did I mention we both had cancer or was that kind of assumed since we were at a cancer retreat and all?)
On Friday we introduced ourselves, told what kind fo cancer we had, did some yoga (a first for me), ate dinner, did some more discussion time, had dessert and went to bed. I was SO tired, but so ready for another day, God had already shown me multiple times in just these short first hours that this was where I was meant to be at this time.
This is only part 1 or my weekend. I plan to tell you so much more about what a wonderful time I had here. If you have had (ever) cancer or know someone who would benefit from this, please check out the website! There are three more retreats this year I believe!
April 22, 2011
Picture Heavy Birthday Post
This is a train table. It has been an annoyance since month two. While it was well loved and used, it was rarely used for it's intention and it took up a lot of room. I've been looking for an art table for Miss Lila so that she doesn't ruin my coffee table anymore than she already has. Cha-Ching... this table can be flipped over. One side has water and grass for the train set, the other side was just partical board. Was being the key word. It is now a chalkboard and it is now sitting in my living room getting lot's and lot's of love!
1. Burlap with a stenciled B, trimmed in orange ric rac.
2. Lime green with aqua ruffle.
3. I used this pattern. I cut all the pieces at our craft night at church and sewed it together the next day in less than half an hour! Love it.
4. Lime pillow w/ aqua tie.
Once again
I'm back, sorry it's been so long... once again. I just never know what to say. How much to say really. I don't ever want to come across as whining and so I withold some of the truth, and I don't ever want to withold to much from so many people that have been praying so faithfully for me.
Over the course of the last year (yes, it's now been one year, which some of you remembered, thank you for the cards, facebook messages and emails), I've realized that while yes, I have cancer, so many have it so much worse. Cancer is nothing in the big bucket of problems/trials. It's that really little pebble that is hard to find (for me anyway), everyone else seems be carrying a rock, or even boulder.
I will tell you that I have been dealing with a LOT of anxiety. I don't know why, but I know that it feels like I have a brick on my chest at all times. I've tried giving it to God, but obviously there is some part that I can't let go of. I've tried some meds, which work ok, I'm seeing a counselor next week, and hopefully he can adjust my meds so that we have something that works all the time, something that will compliment my faith and time with God. (This is how silly it is... I'm stressing right now because I have a pen and highlighter dedicated to bible study/quiet time. It's the only one I use, I take it with me when I take my book anywhere. (It's a bit obsessive I know), this morning, I find that they are both GONE. Surely by the hands of a little culprit. Surly by the hands of someone who didn't know how important in my mind those two little things were. But, none the less... they are gone. I've prayed, I've used somehting different, but I'm still obsessing, I"m anxious about where those pens are... and by this point your thinking I need to seek more help than I am, I'm sure. I promise, I'm really ok.
While your praying for crazy me, could you please pray for some cancer friends of mine? Some that are facing some big stuff, some that found out "good" news, and some that are hoping to find out good news? I would appreciate it and I know that they would as well!
I finally started dowloading pictures last night, it's been over a month since I have. Soon I will be bombarding you with pictures from a certain little someones birthday! Hint... she's kinda cute, she wears the most adorable pigtails, her belly hangs over her diaper, looks awfully cute in jeggings and has an attitude way bigger than herself!
I intended this to be longer, but my favorite 4 year old just woke up and I think we need to snuggle for a bit before we start our day! So... more later.
Over the course of the last year (yes, it's now been one year, which some of you remembered, thank you for the cards, facebook messages and emails), I've realized that while yes, I have cancer, so many have it so much worse. Cancer is nothing in the big bucket of problems/trials. It's that really little pebble that is hard to find (for me anyway), everyone else seems be carrying a rock, or even boulder.
I will tell you that I have been dealing with a LOT of anxiety. I don't know why, but I know that it feels like I have a brick on my chest at all times. I've tried giving it to God, but obviously there is some part that I can't let go of. I've tried some meds, which work ok, I'm seeing a counselor next week, and hopefully he can adjust my meds so that we have something that works all the time, something that will compliment my faith and time with God. (This is how silly it is... I'm stressing right now because I have a pen and highlighter dedicated to bible study/quiet time. It's the only one I use, I take it with me when I take my book anywhere. (It's a bit obsessive I know), this morning, I find that they are both GONE. Surely by the hands of a little culprit. Surly by the hands of someone who didn't know how important in my mind those two little things were. But, none the less... they are gone. I've prayed, I've used somehting different, but I'm still obsessing, I"m anxious about where those pens are... and by this point your thinking I need to seek more help than I am, I'm sure. I promise, I'm really ok.
While your praying for crazy me, could you please pray for some cancer friends of mine? Some that are facing some big stuff, some that found out "good" news, and some that are hoping to find out good news? I would appreciate it and I know that they would as well!
I finally started dowloading pictures last night, it's been over a month since I have. Soon I will be bombarding you with pictures from a certain little someones birthday! Hint... she's kinda cute, she wears the most adorable pigtails, her belly hangs over her diaper, looks awfully cute in jeggings and has an attitude way bigger than herself!
I intended this to be longer, but my favorite 4 year old just woke up and I think we need to snuggle for a bit before we start our day! So... more later.
April 2, 2011
Checking in... sorry for the delay!
All is well, for the most part over here. I should have checked in long ago after telling you that I was having an MRI, sorry! The MRI itself was awful. I never knew that I was clausterphobic. When I had my first MRI (about a year ago) I was laying on my stomach, head to the outside of the machine, so there was no real issues with feeling trapped. This time I was head in, face up. I felt as if I was in a coffin. I kind of freaked out, but eventually let them push me back in, closed my eyes and prayed. For an hour. I was reciting the one verse that would come to my mind, over and over and over. "Peace that surpasses all understanding" While reciting this verse to myself 1000 or more times I realized that I really need to do better at committing more to memory.
Finally it was over! Whew!
I can't remember all of the details, and quite honestly it's all a bit confusing from here. Ultimately, the reason I had the MRI was because of arm pain, there was nothing on the MRI that showed a reason for any pain. Whatever, I've given in to the fact that I will deal with this for the rest of my life. But, they did see something else. Whether that's an edema or inflamed muscle, I'm not sure (and who knows, maybe those are the same things). Currently I think it's an inflamed muscle, I had a port-o-gram (they access the port in my chest, inject dye into it to see if there are any leaks), no problems with the port. So right at this moment, we don't know what is the cause of this issue, or really even what the issue is. I am having another MRI in the near future (not scheduled yet), this time with valium in hand, on my stomach, face out, to rule out any masses.
Honestly, I'm pretty confident there is nothing to worry about, I've had a few traumas (aka surgery etc) to that area, which would be a good explanation. My problem right now is that this is all happening at the same time as I was diagnosed last year. (Yes, it's been a year). I'm not a date person, I don't rely on the fact that my mom passed away on a certain date, I don't get sad on the anniversary of something that has happened, just not how I am, but, it's all just a little to parallel for me right now. Another breast MRI, assuming there will be nothing to find, spring break (although this year were stuck in Michigan instead of sunny Florida)... it's just a little unsettling to me. Don't read into that to much though, I'm not sitting around crying or shaking or anything like that, like I said before, I'm relatively confident that there is NOTHING to worry about. God's just giving me a little reminder that he is still in control and that I need to give it to Him. ("Here God, it's yours") His plan is perfect, no matter what I really want to think of it.
Spring break... we are home. Bummer. But, on the bright side (because there is always a bright side, right?), we aren't going to be stuck in the car for 2 days! I'm hop'p'ing to go see a movie with the kids this week (can you guess which one?). Lila will probably not appreciate it, unless of course she is buckled in a car seat, which is the ONLY time she will watch a movie, so I'll probably leave her somewhere. I hope the rest of you are having a wonderful break (if this applies to you), the weather isn't great, but let's face it, it could be much much worse!
Finally it was over! Whew!
I can't remember all of the details, and quite honestly it's all a bit confusing from here. Ultimately, the reason I had the MRI was because of arm pain, there was nothing on the MRI that showed a reason for any pain. Whatever, I've given in to the fact that I will deal with this for the rest of my life. But, they did see something else. Whether that's an edema or inflamed muscle, I'm not sure (and who knows, maybe those are the same things). Currently I think it's an inflamed muscle, I had a port-o-gram (they access the port in my chest, inject dye into it to see if there are any leaks), no problems with the port. So right at this moment, we don't know what is the cause of this issue, or really even what the issue is. I am having another MRI in the near future (not scheduled yet), this time with valium in hand, on my stomach, face out, to rule out any masses.
Honestly, I'm pretty confident there is nothing to worry about, I've had a few traumas (aka surgery etc) to that area, which would be a good explanation. My problem right now is that this is all happening at the same time as I was diagnosed last year. (Yes, it's been a year). I'm not a date person, I don't rely on the fact that my mom passed away on a certain date, I don't get sad on the anniversary of something that has happened, just not how I am, but, it's all just a little to parallel for me right now. Another breast MRI, assuming there will be nothing to find, spring break (although this year were stuck in Michigan instead of sunny Florida)... it's just a little unsettling to me. Don't read into that to much though, I'm not sitting around crying or shaking or anything like that, like I said before, I'm relatively confident that there is NOTHING to worry about. God's just giving me a little reminder that he is still in control and that I need to give it to Him. ("Here God, it's yours") His plan is perfect, no matter what I really want to think of it.
Spring break... we are home. Bummer. But, on the bright side (because there is always a bright side, right?), we aren't going to be stuck in the car for 2 days! I'm hop'p'ing to go see a movie with the kids this week (can you guess which one?). Lila will probably not appreciate it, unless of course she is buckled in a car seat, which is the ONLY time she will watch a movie, so I'll probably leave her somewhere. I hope the rest of you are having a wonderful break (if this applies to you), the weather isn't great, but let's face it, it could be much much worse!
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